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Dec 08Week 14 NFL picks.
In honor of Plaxico Burress’s self-Glocking, this week I think I’ll try and remember what crimes active players have committed. No cheating, just a top-of-my-head NFL rap sheet. Besides, you’d rather read that than a bunch of reasoned explanations, right? So here we go.
Last week: 9-7
Overall: 122-68
Oakland Raiders at San Diego Chargers
I can’t think of any illegal activities, except the Luis Castillo steroid thing. Shawn Merriman too, but he’s out. Bad start.
Miami Dolphins at Buffalo Bills
Let’s see… Well, Ricky Williams aside, Marshawn Lynch hit somebody with his car… didn’t Langston Walker have a DUI or something too?
Jacksonville Jaguars at Chicago Bears
Now we’re rolling. Cocaine doesn’t actually make you run faster, Matt Jones. I remember a few Bears linemen got in a fight after drinking and going to a shooting range a couple years back, but I can’t remember exactly who was involved. Maybe Kreutz?
Houston Texans at Green Bay Packers
I can’t think of anything off the top of my head. I’m sure there are a few assaults in there. The Texans have been too shitty for too long to be happy-go-lucky.
Cincinnati Bengals at Indianapolis Colts
On PFT today, there was something about Colts linebacker Tyjuan Hagler suing his girlfriend for slapping him in the face. It doesn’t sound like he did anything, but damn. I hope he’s suing for a good reason–otherwise…really? Also, the Bengals are way too easy, especially since they re-signed Chris Henry.
Cleveland Browns at Tennessee Titans
Kerry Collins was an alcoholic and Haynesworth curb-stomped a dude on the field. The Titans are 11-1. I can’t think of any miscreants on the 4-8 Browns. Maybe there’s a lesson here.
Minnesota Vikings at Detroit Lions
Well then, here’s another man who enjoys his alcomohols too much: Jared Allen. Also Bryant McKinnie, and pretty much everyone from that “love boat” mess. Isn’t the general alcoholism rate in Wisconsin and Minnesota astronomical, anyway? D-town fans have been brown-bagging their faces, and probably pickling their livers, but I can’t think of any criminality on that team. Which is weird, because it’s Detroit and all. Maybe it’s because I could name at most three players on the team.
Philadelphia Eagles at New York Giants
Well…there’s the Plax thing.
Atlanta Falcons at New Orleans Saints
I read somewhere that Michael Vick is still technically on the Falcons roster. So there’s that. Also, I feel like Jeremy Shockey was arrested for punching his girlfriend or something. If not, he’s still a jackass.
Kansas City Chiefs at Denver Broncos
Helloooo, Larry Johnson! I bet that lawsuit leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Makes you wanna spit. Also, if Tatum Bell is a Bronco still/again, that is just golden.
New York Jets at San Francisco 49ers
Brett Favre was a pill-popper. No one mentions this anymore. Also, I don’t know if exposing yourself to your team is illegal, but it definitely deserves another mention.
Dallas Cowboys at Pittsburgh Steelers
Pacman Jones got a guy shot, even if he didn’t pull the trigger. Tank Johnson (is he still with the Cowboys?) got busted for having 3000 guns in his house. And Najeh Davenport’s bowels must be churning after being signed and cut by Pittsburgh eighty times this season. Also, didn’t James Harrison get suspended for steroids or assault? Something like that.
St. Louis Rams at Arizona Cardinals
If loving Jesus too much is a crime, Kurt Warner is definitely guilty. Also, Richie Incognito had a bunch of arrests or injuries or something. And Leonard Little killed a mother/baby/both a mother and a baby driving drunk. Sportscasters never mention this stuff. They talk about Randy Moss fake-mooning a crowd or Terrell Suggs saying he was going to kill Hines Ward or whatnot.
New England Patriots at Seattle Seahawks
Speak of the devil, and he doth hit a meter maid with his car. And maybe hit on that Nazi cheerleader. At least Matt Light will now share his crapton of Oxycontin.
Washington Redskins at Baltimore Ravens
Hey, speaking of killing, the Ravens’ defense really is a murderer’s row. Oh hey Ray, I didn’t see you standing there. What’s with the knife, man? Going out for steak or something OH GOD
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Carolina Panthers
Didn’t a bunch of Panthers get suspended for steroids like five years ago? There was also that weird cheerleader thing.
Going through this, I realized that I don’t even remember the domestic violence cases, or the fights in/outside clubs or whatever. Which is kind of sad, and doesn’t highlight all the decent people who play the game. But instead of that downer, let’s just look at it like this: football players may be making millions and millions of dollars more than you, but your bad decisions pale in comparison.
Tagged: Bmore, football, humor, NFL, sports